Having a random hookup so left but love u
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
