I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
