the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
