did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
