I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
