I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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