Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
