i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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