wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
