Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So squirting runs in the family.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
