Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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