"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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