Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Enjoy the penises
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
