I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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