So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I love you.
Bad choice
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
