I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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