im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
