Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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