im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
