Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize