Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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