he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Pooping to opera.
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