turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
