I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
