I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This is classic penis vs brain.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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