I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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