please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
