In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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