i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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