yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
