My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize