I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
