Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
