Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize