Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
