Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
