True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
