so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
