Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
as a side note pls kill me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
