I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
