You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
