drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
