Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
