She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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