I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
