4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize