So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
