just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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