So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
