I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize