Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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