I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ketchup is God's man juice
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
pray to the hookup gods
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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