he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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