and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
