the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
