Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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