She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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