so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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