Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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