You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
