You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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