My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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