Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
